After reading some recent blog postings on deeperstory.com particularly one about being seen and known by others and by Jesus, I got thinking about that. About being vulnerable.
Letting others in can be uncomfortable, even might seem impossible at times. I struggle, and have for as far back as I can remember, with expressing myself. My inward, true self remains hidden oftentimes. It lies in the shadows, not because that's where it wants to be but because it feels stuck. Doesn't know the way out, into the open. There have been times, yes, where my words have flowed. But those are few. Most often, when I share my thoughts / feelings it is painful. For me speaking, and maybe for those listening. I don't know. But it feels almost like the words won't come out. Like they're lost, somewhere in the great abyss of my inner being.
Gah. I want to be more eloquent. I have in fact been told I have some talent with writing. I do admit, writing my thoughts out is usually much easier than attempting to express them verbally. However, its not the same as face-to-face conversations. I have thought sometimes I will simply wake up one day and be able to speak well, and express myself freely... but, alas, I know this is a process, something that will take time. How do I do it? Is it just me having to practice talking to people. Attempting to express myself, trying to get smoother at it, more confident at it? Will it ever seem "easy," like a well-oiled wagon wheel? I have my doubts that if it ever got that easy... well then maybe one is not really sharing their true self, maybe they're not digging in deep enough to their soul / inner being.
After being vulnerable, at least to some extent, with mike while we dated a few years back, it honestly seems scary, in a way, when I think of being vulnerable again with a man. I just feel sad inside. Because of how much effort I feel I have to put into expressing myself and "getting to know" someone, it is tiring to think of having to go through that again and "risk" going our separate ways / breaking up, again.
I know I have experienced healing in this regard over these past many months. Yet there is much restoration yet to occur. I guess I'm in this for the long-haul. Having experienced and "tasted" His faithfulness before, I have confidence how God WILL help me again, and again, and again, in this... mess. And, that's what it IS. That's what life is.
And yet... God is in IT with me. This mess of life-journey; He is right here in it with me.
His promises are true.
