waking up. i push the snooze button twice on my new razor phone. rolling out from under the covers of warm blankets, and pillows. standing up on carpeting and i walk. into the bathroom to pee and wash my face with running water. and dry with a clean towel. i glance in the mirror, not liking what i see. i walk away thinking thoughts about myself.
opening my closet and dresser. seeing the abundance of clothing to choose from, but finding nothing to wear. i pull on yesterday's pair of jeans and my favorite t-shirt. put on some make-up and brush my hair. pulling it up in a ponytail, i run downstairs to make myself. breakfast = a bowl of hot steamy oatmeal with cinnamon and dried grapes. mmm, i say as i dig in. forgetting to thank God for this meal and for this: new day.
putting the kettle on. i pull out a travel-mug. a tea bag. and the honey jar. packing my bags for the day. i glance at my bible. gathering dust next to my bed. thoughts cross my mind. i don't have time for this. that's my excuse. i can't be late for class. tea kettle whistling i run back into the kitchen. grab my peppermint tea w/ honey. my lunch from the fridge. my school bags. my hat. goodbye. see you this afternoon.
driving to school. just a few minutes away. i complain about how cold it is. how the heat is not working. fast enough to my liking. turn on the radio. some music. hurry i tell my sister. i don't like being late. getting there. i run into class. just in time. there are lights bright everywhere. people dressed in the latest fashions. sporting the newest bags. sipping from their starbucks coffee cups. today in sociology...1953. marriage. socializations. war. my mind drifts off to what i want to do that weekend. all the homework to do. afterwards. walking to my next class. stopping to talk to a classmate. smiling. but feeling selfish inside.
throughout the day. classes. eating lunch. me and my own little world. not reaching out. to those who need it most. feeling comfortable with where i am at right now. not wanting to make the first move. to change. starting with my attitude. of my heart. later at work. wishing i was home. trying to be joyful. people coming in. to eat. unneeded food. their belly. my belly. food unneeded. longing for a break. to sit. at home. eating dinner. selfish words flow from my ungrateful mouth. hurry up please. my mind wanders. as my dad reads the bible to us. i close my eyes trying to focus. too hard i give up. letting my thoughts go wild. studying later. i get in bed that night. wearing sweats, slippers, and a shirt. warm in my bed. cozy and warm. hear the whistling -13 degree winds outside my window. sleep overcomes me quickly. dreaming.
life. thankful i'm where i'm at and not out in the streets begging. but not even thinking twice about those who are. not even praying for those dying souls. right now. from hunger. cold. homelessness. pain and sickness. HIV/AIDS. social injustices. war. loneliness. heartache. being forgotten.
this is me. i'm far too comfortable. Lord, please change my heart. make it feel again. and long for what you long for. make me sensitive and open. content to love. and to love as you do. not to be proud. selfish. ungrateful. hard. bitter. angry. but to have peace flowing from every valve and tubule. in Jesus name amen.
